oh my gosh it is my last night in Haiti! i don't even know what to begin to think.last night i had a scare bc when i was feeding hanna grace, all of the sudden her lips turned blue, and it was probably the single most frightening moment that i've had in my life. the color came back and her breathing resumed, but they are taking both the twins to the doctor tomorrow. when i saw her blue mouth there was sheer panic going through my head. she is so tiny and fragile, i doubt that she can handle much of anything right now. i seriously thought she was going to die right then and there in my arms and there was nothing i could do about it. it all of the sudden hit me just how fragile these early days actually are and how easily something could go wrong. the twins are extremely premature and had they been in the states, they'd be hooked up to all kinds of machines and no one would be able to touch them. here we have to make due with what we have...no fancy machines or lights, but plenty of people willing to do whatever it takes to help these babies defeat the odds. and lots of prayers.
church was extra nice today bc guess who i sat down right next to? gabby! i'd never seen him there before, but somehow this week we were side by side. quite a coincidence. the service was extra energetic today and at one point everyone started dancing down the aisles...the whole place was going wild, like one big party praising the Lord. it was really cool to see. the pastor mentioned the 4th of july and said how much he appreciated all their friends in America. there was a choir singing and they were amazing... their voices filled the entire church.
like every sunday we spent a lot of time with the kids, cute as ever in their church attire. i've acquired a little posse consisting of a couple kids f/ the hope house and two girls who play around the outside of the clinic. they really love the attention. we walked up the hill for lunch and then back down to the orphanage bc mal wanted to get her hair braided again (the medicine is really working, btw)... a couple of the older hope house kids are really good at it, and we can pay them in soda and candy. they did a really good job on mal's hair, kind of looked like a moh
awk in the back. some of the younger girls were playing with my hair...i had so many knots that i actually had to cut my hair a bit afterwards. dooney and meeslin are like my little sidekicks whenever i'm around the orphanage... they're both a little mischievious, so i always have to keep my eye on them. dooney always throws my purse over her shoulder and struts around saying "mwen rele bwittney" .... all the kids pronounce my name either bwitt or bwittney, i think they have a hard time with the r's, but it sounds really cute. along with carnesise, i will probably miss these two girls the most out of all the children.
awk in the back. some of the younger girls were playing with my hair...i had so many knots that i actually had to cut my hair a bit afterwards. dooney and meeslin are like my little sidekicks whenever i'm around the orphanage... they're both a little mischievious, so i always have to keep my eye on them. dooney always throws my purse over her shoulder and struts around saying "mwen rele bwittney" .... all the kids pronounce my name either bwitt or bwittney, i think they have a hard time with the r's, but it sounds really cute. along with carnesise, i will probably miss these two girls the most out of all the children. one of the baby turkeys died and one of the boys cut off the head with scissors and chased me around with it.
the other day when i was sorting through medical supplies in the warehouse, we came across some catheters that had been opened and were now un-usable. we were just going to throw them away but there were some boys hanging around and they said that they'd take them. long story short, there are now little boys running around the mission with sling shots made out of rubber catheters. apparently these kids are taught how to be resourceful at a young age!
normally we go out to lunch after church with wiki and cadrak, but today we couldn't bc diana needed to deliver some supplies to some of the victims of when the two school building collapsed in port au prince. wiki has his big national exam tomorrow, so i don't think i'll be able to say goodbye before i go...it definitely stinks, but we will have to stay in touch. cadrak might be able to take us to gwo papa poule tomorrow before i leave for the airport...i can get some haitian food and i wanted to hand out some toys and mushwas (bandanas) to some of the village kids. hopefully that will work out, but you can never tell around here! mal got special permission to get out of work for an hour so she can come with us...they know that the two of us have become really close since we've been here, so they made an exception. mal lives in ottowa but might try to drive her ninja down to NYC so we could meet up for a day or so. she is a crazy crazy girl...lots of hidden talents and very free-spirited. tough as nails but with a good heart.
i don't know if i've mentioned this, but it hasn't rained in a couple weeks...we've had lightning storms every night and it's been incredibly hot, but no rain. tonight we were all sitting around talking when there was a huge crack of thunder and it started pouring. we all were cheering and being as hot as we were, there was no question that we were gonna go out and run around in the rain. the kids were all running around trying to catch the rain in their mouths and buckets... there was a whole lot of squeeling going on! the boys were still shooting at a wasps nest with rocks and their new sling shots. one of them killed a hummingbird, i have no idea how. when the rain stopped there was a massive rainbow over the mountains....i wish i had my camera, it was so beautiful and such a little blessing to end my trip.
we had cheeseburgers and watermelon and chili for dinner...the interns did the dishes and we were all singing and joking around in the kitchen making a mess. mal finished cutting my hair and we all hung out outside for bit. i don't have to watch the babies tonight bc i'm leaving tomorrow. it's hard to think about never being able to hold them again...i've spent so much time and so many nights with them in my arms. then again there are so many relationships that i've made that have to come to an end, especially when it comes to the kids. but there's nothing i can do about it other than just appreciate the time that we were able to spend together... but that's easier said than done.
i'm pretty much doing all my packing in the morning. my flight leaves around 3 so i will probably leave the complex around noon. i have a lump in my throat just thinking about saying goodbye. i've become at home here so quickly, it will be weird to not sit outside while mal sneaks a cigarette on the rock pile or get a drink at midnight and see all the boys still up playing cards or dodge lizards in the shower or speak freole with the cooks or time my mornings just right so i can get a ride on the atv or sweat through all my clothes and sheets every night or check my shoes for tarantulas or argue with the interns about who has it worst or have those two hours between work and dinner every night when there is no relief from the heat and everyone sits outside sweating and talking together and guessing what's for dinner...
it helps to think about how exciting it is to finally go home and see my family which i haven't seen in nearly 7 months. everyone was so worried about me going to a 5th world country alone, but supported me nonetheless. as always, my parents trusted my discretion and, although they were nervous, they knew that it was something i was going to do. time and again i've found that it is the things that are a little risky or make me a little uncomfortable that are the ones which end up being the most valuable. it is my family and friends which have constantly given me the courage to delve into the unknown that has enabled me to have cumulative life experiences that have led me to where i am now. this experience was especially valuable bc it solidifies what i've always felt i was called to do with my life. whether in an inner city or overseas, this experience has made it impossible to ignore the limitations on healthcare when it is a victim of social structure. what is easily remedied in one country may be a death sentence in another. what may be easily affordable to one family may be the entire livelihood of another. what is thoroughly evaluated on one skin color may be perfunctorily examined on another. after witnessing the face
s of healthcare disparities i've been able to grasp the concept of farmer's that says that healthcare for the poor is something that should be done apologetically, not proudly. rather than thinking i am a doctor working in hostile conditions, look at the sacrifices i've made to serve you, one might choose to think i am a doctor and this is the least that i can do to rectify the disadvantages that our social structure has forced you into. it is not guilt, but rather a duty to restore balance in the gaping inequalities which have transformed good health into a commodity for those born into the right circumstances. it is so much more than medicine...it is anthropology, religion, politics, racism, superstition, etc.
s of healthcare disparities i've been able to grasp the concept of farmer's that says that healthcare for the poor is something that should be done apologetically, not proudly. rather than thinking i am a doctor working in hostile conditions, look at the sacrifices i've made to serve you, one might choose to think i am a doctor and this is the least that i can do to rectify the disadvantages that our social structure has forced you into. it is not guilt, but rather a duty to restore balance in the gaping inequalities which have transformed good health into a commodity for those born into the right circumstances. it is so much more than medicine...it is anthropology, religion, politics, racism, superstition, etc. as i leave haiti, i remember not so much the filth of the slums or the dangers of nighttime, but i recall rather the beautiful landscape, the pride of the country, the friendly smiles and "bonswa"s of the people, the children maintaining laughter even when they are hungry and hurting, the non-haitians who have given up their former lives to serve in the throes of destitution, the sense of hope 
and aspirations for change by the young people, the appreciation of all the little things by those who barely have anything. it is a beautiful country filled with generally good people. not to say that the danger and violence and backwards practices aren't real, but it is unfair to write-off an entire country bc of the iniquities of a few or because it is unfamiliar to almost everything we have ever known. fortunate are those who are able to know without seeing, but i only know what i have seen. names and faces and children... we are not so different, only lucky.
and aspirations for change by the young people, the appreciation of all the little things by those who barely have anything. it is a beautiful country filled with generally good people. not to say that the danger and violence and backwards practices aren't real, but it is unfair to write-off an entire country bc of the iniquities of a few or because it is unfamiliar to almost everything we have ever known. fortunate are those who are able to know without seeing, but i only know what i have seen. names and faces and children... we are not so different, only lucky.it's impossible to quantify the things that i've acquired and grappled with in this past month. there is no doubt that i will never look at things the same. i will not be able to ignore what i have seen, and that is the single most important aspect of this experience. haiti is no longer a tragedy on the news; it is the home of friends. if this concept of friend can transcend literal contacts, then i will not be able to push aside the plight of so many.
i am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to have grown and learned so much this past month. i could not have anticipated the impact that it would have on me, but i can only hope that it is something that will stick with me forever.
peace, bonswa.
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