Bonswa Ayiti...

oh my gosh it is my last night in Haiti! i don't even know what to begin to think.

last night i had a scare bc when i was feeding hanna grace, all of the sudden her lips turned blue, and it was probably the single most frightening moment that i've had in my life. the color came back and her breathing resumed, but they are taking both the twins to the doctor tomorrow. when i saw her blue mouth there was sheer panic going through my head. she is so tiny and fragile, i doubt that she can handle much of anything right now. i seriously thought she was going to die right then and there in my arms and there was nothing i could do about it. it all of the sudden hit me just how fragile these early days actually are and how easily something could go wrong. the twins are extremely premature and had they been in the states, they'd be hooked up to all kinds of machines and no one would be able to touch them. here we have to make due with what we have...no fancy machines or lights, but plenty of people willing to do whatever it takes to help these babies defeat the odds. and lots of prayers.

church was extra nice today bc guess who i sat down right next to? gabby! i'd never seen him there before, but somehow this week we were side by side. quite a coincidence. the service was extra energetic today and at one point everyone started dancing down the aisles...the whole place was going wild, like one big party praising the Lord. it was really cool to see. the pastor mentioned the 4th of july and said how much he appreciated all their friends in America. there was a choir singing and they were amazing... their voices filled the entire church.

like every sunday we spent a lot of time with the kids, cute as ever in their church attire. i've acquired a little posse consisting of a couple kids f/ the hope house and two girls who play around the outside of the clinic. they really love the attention. we walked up the hill for lunch and then back down to the orphanage bc mal wanted to get her hair braided again (the medicine is really working, btw)... a couple of the older hope house kids are really good at it, and we can pay them in soda and candy. they did a really good job on mal's hair, kind of looked like a mohawk in the back. some of the younger girls were playing with my hair...i had so many knots that i actually had to cut my hair a bit afterwards. dooney and meeslin are like my little sidekicks whenever i'm around the orphanage... they're both a little mischievious, so i always have to keep my eye on them. dooney always throws my purse over her shoulder and struts around saying "mwen rele bwittney" .... all the kids pronounce my name either bwitt or bwittney, i think they have a hard time with the r's, but it sounds really cute. along with carnesise, i will probably miss these two girls the most out of all the children.

one of the baby turkeys died and one of the boys cut off the head with scissors and chased me around with it.

the other day when i was sorting through medical supplies in the warehouse, we came across some catheters that had been opened and were now un-usable. we were just going to throw them away but there were some boys hanging around and they said that they'd take them. long story short, there are now little boys running around the mission with sling shots made out of rubber catheters. apparently these kids are taught how to be resourceful at a young age!

normally we go out to lunch after church with wiki and cadrak, but today we couldn't bc diana needed to deliver some supplies to some of the victims of when the two school building collapsed in port au prince. wiki has his big national exam tomorrow, so i don't think i'll be able to say goodbye before i go...it definitely stinks, but we will have to stay in touch. cadrak might be able to take us to gwo papa poule tomorrow before i leave for the airport...i can get some haitian food and i wanted to hand out some toys and mushwas (bandanas) to some of the village kids. hopefully that will work out, but you can never tell around here! mal got special permission to get out of work for an hour so she can come with us...they know that the two of us have become really close since we've been here, so they made an exception. mal lives in ottowa but might try to drive her ninja down to NYC so we could meet up for a day or so. she is a crazy crazy girl...lots of hidden talents and very free-spirited. tough as nails but with a good heart.

i don't know if i've mentioned this, but it hasn't rained in a couple weeks...we've had lightning storms every night and it's been incredibly hot, but no rain. tonight we were all sitting around talking when there was a huge crack of thunder and it started pouring. we all were cheering and being as hot as we were, there was no question that we were gonna go out and run around in the rain. the kids were all running around trying to catch the rain in their mouths and buckets... there was a whole lot of squeeling going on! the boys were still shooting at a wasps nest with rocks and their new sling shots. one of them killed a hummingbird, i have no idea how. when the rain stopped there was a massive rainbow over the mountains....i wish i had my camera, it was so beautiful and such a little blessing to end my trip.

we had cheeseburgers and watermelon and chili for dinner...the interns did the dishes and we were all singing and joking around in the kitchen making a mess. mal finished cutting my hair and we all hung out outside for bit. i don't have to watch the babies tonight bc i'm leaving tomorrow. it's hard to think about never being able to hold them again...i've spent so much time and so many nights with them in my arms. then again there are so many relationships that i've made that have to come to an end, especially when it comes to the kids. but there's nothing i can do about it other than just appreciate the time that we were able to spend together... but that's easier said than done.

i'm pretty much doing all my packing in the morning. my flight leaves around 3 so i will probably leave the complex around noon. i have a lump in my throat just thinking about saying goodbye. i've become at home here so quickly, it will be weird to not sit outside while mal sneaks a cigarette on the rock pile or get a drink at midnight and see all the boys still up playing cards or dodge lizards in the shower or speak freole with the cooks or time my mornings just right so i can get a ride on the atv or sweat through all my clothes and sheets every night or check my shoes for tarantulas or argue with the interns about who has it worst or have those two hours between work and dinner every night when there is no relief from the heat and everyone sits outside sweating and talking together and guessing what's for dinner...

it helps to think about how exciting it is to finally go home and see my family which i haven't seen in nearly 7 months. everyone was so worried about me going to a 5th world country alone, but supported me nonetheless. as always, my parents trusted my discretion and, although they were nervous, they knew that it was something i was going to do. time and again i've found that it is the things that are a little risky or make me a little uncomfortable that are the ones which end up being the most valuable. it is my family and friends which have constantly given me the courage to delve into the unknown that has enabled me to have cumulative life experiences that have led me to where i am now. this experience was especially valuable bc it solidifies what i've always felt i was called to do with my life. whether in an inner city or overseas, this experience has made it impossible to ignore the limitations on healthcare when it is a victim of social structure. what is easily remedied in one country may be a death sentence in another. what may be easily affordable to one family may be the entire livelihood of another. what is thoroughly evaluated on one skin color may be perfunctorily examined on another. after witnessing the faces of healthcare disparities i've been able to grasp the concept of farmer's that says that healthcare for the poor is something that should be done apologetically, not proudly. rather than thinking i am a doctor working in hostile conditions, look at the sacrifices i've made to serve you, one might choose to think i am a doctor and this is the least that i can do to rectify the disadvantages that our social structure has forced you into. it is not guilt, but rather a duty to restore balance in the gaping inequalities which have transformed good health into a commodity for those born into the right circumstances. it is so much more than medicine...it is anthropology, religion, politics, racism, superstition, etc.

as i leave haiti, i remember not so much the filth of the slums or the dangers of nighttime, but i recall rather the beautiful landscape, the pride of the country, the friendly smiles and "bonswa"s of the people, the children maintaining laughter even when they are hungry and hurting, the non-haitians who have given up their former lives to serve in the throes of destitution, the sense of hope and aspirations for change by the young people, the appreciation of all the little things by those who barely have anything. it is a beautiful country filled with generally good people. not to say that the danger and violence and backwards practices aren't real, but it is unfair to write-off an entire country bc of the iniquities of a few or because it is unfamiliar to almost everything we have ever known. fortunate are those who are able to know without seeing, but i only know what i have seen. names and faces and children... we are not so different, only lucky.

it's impossible to quantify the things that i've acquired and grappled with in this past month. there is no doubt that i will never look at things the same. i will not be able to ignore what i have seen, and that is the single most important aspect of this experience. haiti is no longer a tragedy on the news; it is the home of friends. if this concept of friend can transcend literal contacts, then i will not be able to push aside the plight of so many.

i am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to have grown and learned so much this past month. i could not have anticipated the impact that it would have on me, but i can only hope that it is something that will stick with me forever.

peace, bonswa.

winding down...

i started packing some of my things together today. i did some jobs around the school this morning, but then i had to watch the twins in the afternoon while the staff was away for an event at another mission. it was nice to be in a room that had electricity...i just read magazines with the babies on my chest, they're getting easier and easier to take care of, although their cries are getting louder! i'm really going to miss them both, i;ve spent so much time with them over the last week or so, i will have to stay updated on their progress. Hanna Grace and Jeremiah. it is amazing to me that they had been rescued at the brink of death and now they have a wide open future in front of them. it is a miracle at work! cody and i were talking today and we decided that even if the only thing that the mission had ever done was save these two babies, it would be worth it all.




a small pastors group arrived yesterday (3 men, 2 women) so they stayed here last night. this morning they were all complaining about the mosquitos and the heat and not being able to sleep. they even mentioned buying a plane ticket home...they opted to stay at a resort-type thing about 45 minutes away instead of here with us. first i wondered if they knew they were in haiti. then i wondered if they had seen people sleeping in wheelbarrows and filth all around us. then i wondered if they thought they could do the Lord's work without ever getting their hands dirty...
.....


after work i went down to the hope house and the little girls washed my feet in the laundry tubs. dounie kept on pinching the bottom of my foot and when i finally looked i saw that there was a freckle that she was trying to pull off. they took my shoes, purse camera, and water bottle...they all get a kick out of me having to chase them around for my stuff...it's always easy to catch them bc they start laughing so hard that they can't catch their breath.


my last big dinner was really nice...haitian food...brad made an announcement about me leaving on monday. we all sat around joking afterwards...josh shaved all of the boys' heads...i'm really going to miss the staff here....they've accepted and welcomed me from the moment i got here, now we all pal around like we've known each other forever.

i can't believe how much i feel like i just got here. nor can i believe how naturally i slipped into this position. what a window to an entirely different world. so much that i am leaving....mentors in the staff, friends in the interpretors and interns, and many many little children that i've grown to know and love. so much can happen in a month, yet it can fly by so fast. i've been trying not to think so much about leaving, but that of course leaves me with the shock of an abrupt goodbye. how much any of us will keep in contact or how much i'll be remembered, i just don't know. so many people come in and out of missions, i'd like to think i've left a footprint in a mind or a heart, but it's hard to tell. i guess it's inconsequential when compared to the impact that this place has had on me. i've learned so much about myself through this experience...i've gained perspective, questioned my faith, grappled with guilt and inadequacy, and seen things that i wouldn't have believed hadn't i seen them with my own eyes.


it's surprising to me that i leave less with the impression of poverty and depression than i do with awe of haitian pride, resilience, neighborly love, and sincere gratitude to God despite a life of hardships.



my heart sinks to know that i leave in a day, but at the same time i'm leaving with everything (and more) that i could have hoped to gain from this experience. the challenge will be holding on to it all as i become more and more removed with distance and time.

field day at the hope house

last night was rough bc mal got sick again and was throwing up non-stop all night. i have no idea what's wrong with her, but it's pretty bad. she's so skinny and she's barely been keeping anything in this whole week. she is having tons of tests done, so hopefully we'll find out something soon. she's been looking for flights home, i feel so bad for her.

today all of us interns were assigned to the hope house and it was probably the most i've laughed since i've been here. it was kind of like a field day for them, a day full of fun activities, prizes, and games. there were 7 teams of 8, each with different colored bandanas and foam visors...some of the activities included a race to see which team member could eat a whole sleeve of pringles, one where they had to fish out gummy worms with their faces in a bowl full of jello, one where they had to pass lifesavers to one another on a toothpick using only their mouths, one where they had to lick honey nut cheerios and stick them on each others faces, and the best was when the teams raced to see which could finish a whole can of peanut butter and jelly. i could not stop laughing the entire time...the kids were having a blast! here are some pictures from today's activities...

i wish i could write more, but between mal and the twins and a full field day, i can barely stay awake! my time here is winding down, i don't quite know what to think. but i do know that i won't miss the mosquitos.

gabby.

it is fitting that my last day in the clinic would be the day that i was able to change gabby's dressings. in case you don't remember him, he is the 22 year old boy with sickle cell anemia whose massive necrotizing ulcers on his legs refuse to heal. he is the boy in the wheelchair that smiles and chats with everyone. he is also the boy whose shreaks you can hear from the pharmacy as his dressings get changed. he was the first case i had heard of when i came to mission of hope, my first encounter with the limitations of 5th world medicine. also, the first testament to the strength of haitians.

he is a daily face within the clinic...everyone knows his name and his story, the pain he has endured for the last 7 years. i had been working in triage all morning taking vitals when he came into the clinic to get his bandages changed. the nurse asked me if i wanted to change the dressings, and i agreed if it was okay with him. i watched as he peeled yesterday's bandages off his legs, the fine threading sticking to every bit of exposed pustulating tissue. the entire area was raw and just oozing with slimy orange gunk...the ulcers covered and entire half of his inner right calf and partway around his left ankle. i was so nervous to first touch his wounds...the area was just absolutely raw...as i cleaned out the gashes with something similar to hydrogen peroxide, the whole area sizzled as he recoiled in pain. i could feel my hands burning through the gauze and my gloves, i could not believe how incredibly hot the area became as i applied cleaner...it was like placing your hand on a stovetop. i don't know why this happens, maybe bc the infection was so bad, but it took me entirely by surprise that his body could produce so much heat...if i felt like my hands were burning, i can't even begin to imagine what he was feeling.

it was a strange feeling to be sitting there with my hands on his wounds and inflicting such severe pain. knowingly hurting him so badly that his entire body was contorting in agony. it was just like i had seen with the man with gas gangrene, only this time i was the torturer rather than the onlooker. by the time i finished and rewrapped both his legs, we were both sweating.

and then once again he was smiling. he made sure to let me know that he was okay...i think he may have felt just as bad for me as i had for him...actually, i think he was most worried that i felt bad for hurting him. he quickly resumed the carefree attitude that was so characteristic of him, but we both knew that that tiny window of agony was real and that the pain lingered. having those two moments immediately juxtaposed was dramatic to say the least. we've all experienced things gone wrong that have ruined our whole day, yet gabby had grown so accustomed to pain that it in no way was reflected in even the moments immediately following his treatments. there is no mistaking the sincerity of his smile. this boy possesses a level of strength that is rare to see in a lifetime.

the remainder of the day involved other odd jobs, nothing too exciting. we ate dinner at brad and vanessa's house, the owners of the mission. they are amazing people. they have a beautiful house on the side of a mountain with a breathtaking view. brad and vanessa, along w/ dr. cheryl and lawrence, are such an inspiration.

tomorrow the hope house kids have a field day, so i am in charge of a team and i think it will be really fun to run around and participate in some crazy events. i will try to take pictures! i have a twin shift again tonight at 2, so i should be getting to bed soon. i can't believe that i am leaving here in 3 days.

peace, bonswa.

babies babies babies

how many times can i mention how incredibly amazing this whole experience has been? the last group just left, so the 25 of us interns and staff just shared a huge Haitian feast behind dr. cheryl's house. the food was amazing and we were all in stitches the entire time. half of us are from the states and the other half are from canada, so we were busting on each other on account of the fact that it is Canada Day. we've all become so close, it really is unbelievable how quickly we've all become so comfortable with each other. we passed the itty bitty twins around as we were all eating, it is so beautiful how the entire mission has come together to raise these two babies who would otherwise have been left for dead. i can't get over this fact. everyone has a role...whether nursing the babies, staying up all night with them, knitting clothes and blankets, donating food, staying with them during the day, taking them to the clinic, it is a community effort. everyone has made some sacrifice or another for the sake of these children, but it is obvious to everyone that it is something that we must all come together to do. again, it is so beautiful.

today was my day off so i spent it in the clinic working with dr. jenifer. it was incredibly busy! the first two patients were newborns...one had been born last night, and the other had just been born this morning. most births occur at home in the huts, so naturally this can lead to infections and complications. they often cut the umbilical with dirty knives cleaned with contaminated water. both babies this morning had to have their umbilicals tied off and re-cut and cleaned. it was crazy to see how even the baby born a few hours earlier was about twice the size of the twins. the majority of the patients today were babies, children, and pregnant women. dr. jenifer said that God must have set it up that way bc he knows that i am leaving soon.

one of the toddlers who came in was covered from head to toe in scabies (insects burrowing under the skin)...it was the first time i had seen this here, but somehow i saw 3 cases of it in one day. some of the kids f/ good samaritan orphanage have it and it is extremely contagious....with all the clinging and climbing they do, i have no idea how i haven't caught it! at least now i know what it looks like. on a side note, i was looking at dr. jenifer's dermatology handbook and i noticed that every single example of a rash, lesion, etc was pictured on white skin. in actuality, many skin problems look wildly different on a dark-skinned person than on a white person. how presumptuous to assume a white clientele. no where did it explain that a tell-tale sign of worms are blanching patches of black skin. to not have even a single skin infection on dark skin shown in an entire dermatology resource is surprising and disturbing. something i may not have noticed hadn't i been working with haitians every day.


one lady brought her twin infants in and one had severe hydrocephaly. what that is is when the baby has excess cerebrospinal fluid in some or all the ventricles and usually the child comes out with a huge head. it is dangerous bc it puts a lot of pressure on the brain which can cause damage or death. when i say severe hydrocephalus, i mean SEVERE. the poor boys head was so big that it was larger than his entire torso. it was so large that he couldn't even lift it up....when the mother was holding him i noticed that it was about the size of her head, if not larger. it was such a bizarre and sad sight to see. the surgery for this birth defect is complicated and dangerous and involves the incorporation of a shunt that will redirect the excess CSF. not surprisingly this is not something covered in haitian medicine. dr. jenifer said that she might know someone who could do the surgery, but the outlook is shaky anywhere, nevermind in a 5th world country. the poor mother was so concerned and desparate for help, it broke my heart to think of what was in store for her and her child. despite the fact that he could barely move his head, he maintained a full smile for the entire time he was with us. this was a little blessing amongst so much uncertainty.


dr. jenifer is adamant about me performing a lot of the exams and being really hands-on when i'm with her. it takes twice as long but she says she likes having me around bc helping me will help even more patients. i've learned how to distinguish between different types of lung infections by listening for subtle differences that originally all sounded the same to me. she started making me examine the patients first and come up with my own diagnosis. it's a lot of pressure, but it's a great way to learn. she's even had me examine the pregnant women...i don't think it will ever cease to amaze me the beauty of a woman with moving living child within her.


one man came in which asthma so bad that he had to sleep sitting up in a chair every night. he was so loud it sounded as if his entire chest was hollow and that air was just bouncing between his ribcages. the wheezing was not like what you normally hear with asthmatics, it was more like a loud whistle from the depths of his chests. it was alarming how much like a machine this man sounded like. i think if i closed my eyes it would sound like i was in a factory. the relief from the nebulizer was drastic, but it seems to be a temporary fix to a permanent problem.


mal was feeling so much better today that she actually worked construction. she did welding this morning and dug trenches in the afternoon. she will be tested again to make sure that she's gotten rid of all the parasites.

i was able to talk at length today with dr. jenifer about practicing this type of medicine, why she does what she does, and how she deals with what she sees. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but she is haitian and lives right in port au prince. she is an inspiration to me in so many ways. she practices medicine with grace, knowledge, patience, and assertiveness. she says that the most important thing to do is listen to the patient bc when it comes to 5th world medicine, sometimes it is all that you have. she sees patient after patient after patient and treats the last with as much attentiveness as the first. with all the frustrations that come with resource limitations, voodoo remedies, and lack of education, i don't know how she does it. yet she continuously contends that the Lord has blessed her with this position. haiti is lucky to have her, and am so incredibly grateful to have had the opportunity to have worked so closely with her.




it amazes me how many heartbreaking things i've seen while i've been here, but even more so how many truly beautiful things i've witnessed. haitians have a way of coming together to make things work. everyone is your neighbor and burdens are beared by communities rather than individuals. they have so little, but what they have is shared. one lady spent the last of her money to bring a young boy to the clinic last week. when asked if it was her son, she said that she didn't know him, but she saw him on the side of the road on the way home from work, so she brought him to us. though she could barely afford one way, she didn't think twice about doing what she felt was the right thing to do. little things like that remind me that while haitians endure material poverty, they are wealthy when it comes to spirit and benevolence. perhaps the worse poverty is that known to the rude american doctor who does not know that his patients are his own brothers and sisters.


tonight i have twin duty again from 1-8am. tomorrow i am in the clinic again. my friday construction got changed to working in the school, so it looks like i've an easy schedule from here on out. i'm trying not to think about leaving, but it is a constant weight on my shoulders. i have to remind myself that it wouldn't be so hard to leave if it wasn't so great to be here. but of course i have much to look forward to when i go home.

peace and bonswa.

last tuesday on the mission

good news, mal is feeling a bit better this evening...looks like the meds are working already. last night was a long night with the twins...between the 2 of them i was up about once every hour. it is exciting though bc it means they are healthy enough to drink. i'm so happy that the mission was able to adopt them...they are very lucky. i'm also grateful to even have a tiny role in the first few weeks of their lives. tonight i am on second shift which means i go to bed early and then i am on twin patrol from 1am-8am. they're so incredibly adorable, i don't mind sacrificing some sleep!

i spent some time talking to rachel (director of hope house) last night and she was explaining to me that it was rough at the hope house this year. there was an orphan named marenda that had been rescued as a child bc she had been left in a trash dumpster that had been lit on fire. her body was half covered in burns and she had a severe bone deformity or disease in her legs that made it difficult to walk (perhaps the reason why she was left to die). no one really knew what was wrong with her bc haiti does not have the testing that she needed, but she had been improving really well. in november she started to get sick with a cold that she couldn't shake and it seemed like she was beginning to get depressed. there were a series of tests that she needed to get done, but they were so hard to get that she could only get one at a time. meanwhile she was constantly getting worse, to the point which no one could touch her and it was even painful to turn over on the bed. in january, while they were still waiting on two more tests, she passed away at age 16. she had known pain and suffering her entire short life. they never found out what was wrong with her bc haiti doesn't do autopsies, but it could have been something entirely treatable had they known what it was. naturally it was a huge loss for the mission and just another of the many frustrations due to lack of resources. what is merely a prescription in the states may be a death sentence in haiti.

a side note on burns...many many patients who come into the clinic have burn scars from their childhood. brad explained to me that these are very common in haiti for multiple reasons...first, there are burn pits everywhere. bc there is no waste disposal system, most haitians just burn all their trash. coupled with the fact that i've seen children barely old enough to walk alone on the sides of the streets, it is not surprising that so many adults have burn scars. also, burning is used as punishment, as well as in voodoo rituals. in fact, a haitian woman in NYC was just arrested for burning her baby after she laid him in a circle of kerosene which she lit as part of a voodoo ritual.

...

today i was assigned to a group and we went to the beach. it was a beautiful day and the sun was strong. they are telling me that i am starting to look like a haitian. cody, roger, and i went out on a canoe and went snorkeling at the coral reefs. the water is bright torquoise and the corals were beautiful purples and oranges and blues...i can't believe that nature can make such radiant colors and they are hidden away on the ocean floor. we saw some crazy-looking fish and one of the haitians dove to bottom and picked me some really cool looking coral....soft when it was underwater and then almost instantly solid once it was exposed to air. we swam around for nearly an hour...i must have rubbed against one of the poisonous ones bc my arm started stinging and a patch of my skin started bubbling at the surface...it felt like someone was putting a lit match to my forearm. the bubble blisters stung in the salt water, but were barely noticeable once i was out. we canoed alongside the mountains and it was one of the most beautiful sites i have ever seen.

afterwards we went to the site of the new property, and as we walked through the rows and rows of tall banana trees, nearly 50 children appeared from all directions. they just come out of no where, half dressed with no shoes with their hands raised up for you to pick them up while the others grab your hands and legs. from what i've seen, it seems like the people worst of are those in the countryside. it is most often where i see children with protruding rib cages, swollen bellies, orange hair, massive skin infections. the little girl that i was holding had only a skirt on and she was sweating from head to toe. i could feel her raspy, clogged breathing with her naked back against my arms. it was a lung infection that you didn't need a stethoscope to hear. some of the other kids had really croupy coughs...but they all just went on like they had not a care in the world, just happy to have strangers "love on them" as they call it, albeit for a tiny amount of time.

i'm off to bed to steal some sleep before my baby shift. tomorrow i have a day off but i will probably spend it in the clinic with dr. jenifer. i can't believe that i leave so soon. i'm excited to see my family...it has almost been 7 months, but it will be so hard to leave. i've taken in so much in such a short amount of time, i don't know if i've digested it all quite enough. somehow i feel that many of the images that i've witnessed will be forever engrained on my brain and in my heart. i only hope that the associated emotion will remain salient far beyond my immediate memory.

the generator died today. perhaps we will have to heat up the babies' formula by candlelight? i will plan on sweating through my clothes again! peace and bonswa...:)

tu es malade??

ok so today was a little hectic. last night when i went to go to bed mal was in bed shivering uncontrollably saying how cold she was...i turned off the fan even though it was already so hot...she got up about an hour later sweating with a 104 degree fever...she also had really sharp stomach pains, so bad she was keeled over. we brought her to the hospital first thing in the morning...at first we thought it was malaria bc she hadn't taken her pills, then we thought it was dengue fever bc she had a strange rash on her body. turns out that she had a bacterial infection and parasites, so she went on metronidazole for the bacteria and albendazole for the parasites (blastocyctosis)....the poor thing was in so much pain all morning...it's a double whammy to have such a high fever in this heat. i tried to get her to drink water but she couldn't keep anything in. i stayed with her the whole day and worked on the curriculum and cleaned our room while she slept. she said she felt a little better this evening, but i still think she looks pretty bad. i will have to check on her every once in a while tonight...i think she wants to just sleep on the bathroom floor bc that is where it's the coolest...


i have baby duty tonight, so it looks like i'll be up most of the night feeding and changing the diapers of the itty bitty twins (now about 7 days old). they're both so tiny and fragile...hannah rose is 2 lbs and jeremiah is 3 lbs. the mission has officially adopted them...they had no choice bc if they didn't the babies would probably die. they are both so cute...i can hold each in one hand...i let them both sleep on my chest but they get so hot that it makes me want to dose off to sleep. their HIV tests came back negative which is good, but we think that jeremiah does not have enough surfactant yet...they are already drinking more which is a really good sign. they found out who the mother is and she is 18 and lives on the street...she says she doesn't want them and if the mission tries to give them back she will kill both of the babies.

ok, well i hear a whimper...jeremiah, hannah or mal?? gonna be a long night....bonswaaa :)

More voodoo interjections...

the question is not whether you believe in voodoo or not....its existence is a universally accepted haitian reality...the rich practice just the same as the poor, sometimes more vehemently, though maybe less publicly. even the most educated of haitians that i have talked to speak of voodoo as just a part of life. there is no question about it, evil spirits are a fact to these people. i can't discount what they believe as a reality, after all isn't that what faith is? we believe there are good spirits and angels, so why is it so hard to accept that there are evil spirits as well? is it possible to believe one without the other? i came here wondering how many people believe in voodoo, but it is not a question of belief at all. the question is whether you partake in the rituals bc everyone knows that the spirits exist.

my thought process is a work in progress. main point, there is no simple answer. i'm doing all that i can to not interject my own personal logic, biases, and knowledge base onto what might sound strange to me. we are naturally egocentric and want to be able to explain things away, but we aren't necessarily the ones with the right answers. their truths are just as real to them as ours are to us.

no straight answer

new record today...19 people in the mini tap tap. we had church this morning and all the little girls were dressed in their princess dresses and the boys in church outfits that were either too small or too big. for children's mass we did a coloring project and the two little girls that i had met at the hospital, sumetine and syndie, each made me a picture to bring back to my "mummy". wiki and cadrak had some ceremony to go to, so we came back to the compound around noon. it was so hot and there was no way to escape the heat and humidity...no electricity, no running water... so mal and i decided to take a nap until they came. bad idea to take a nap in the middle of the day... we both woke up completely soaked through all our clothes and in drenched sheets. yuck.

we planned on going to gwo papa poule for lunch, but it was around 2 so they were out of everything...wiki and cadrak took us out to the village and we stopped at Good Samaritan orphanage bc it is sarah's last day here and she wanted to say goodbye. i was able to see carnesise for the 4th time this week! we then went to yoltay's for lunch...the place with the skinny dogs running around and where you can hear the animals actually getting slaughtered. they were out of a lot of stuff too, but they had beef and i shared cow liver with wiki. i didn't love it. i looked exactly like the liver from the cadaver i dissected this year.

we spent a long time talking there bc it was sarah's last day w/ wiki and cadrak and it was sad bc we've all become really close. they're like our own personal body guards, brothers, and friends.

throughout this entire trip i've been asking different people questions about what they thought about haiti's leaders past and present...what they think about haiti's situation. i haven't written about it yet bc i wanted to have asked enough people to form some sort of general conclusion, but what i've realized is that EVERYONE has a different opinion. starting with paul farmer, then dr. cheryl, then brad, then as many haitians as i possibly could....each had different opinions on all the leaders. the only consensus was that preval doesn't do much. even cadrak and wiki, who are basically attached at the hip, had vastly different opinions on haiti's past.

it was actually pretty interesting as we delved into haiti's "situation" bc it got a little tense between cadrak and wiki. cadrak had explained that during papa and baby doc's rule it was good bc there was stict justice for criminals, but if you said anything bad about them people would come to your house and shoot or torture you. but overall it was safer. he said that he liked aristide bc he pushed hard for education and that all of haiti got books and even the poor people could pursue an education. but he pissed off all the rich people. cadrak explained that he wasn't perfect but that he was a good leader overall. he said that he would be friends with preval but he was a bad leader. he would not be friends with the devaliers but what they did worked. when wiki was able to give his two cents he said that aristide did some good things, but that he was "lucifer's secretary"...he was a catholic priest but under his reign there were lots of sacrifices....for example, if a person became educated and went to get a job, they would make a sacrifice (sometimes babies) to ensure a better future or to absolve them from a past sin (warped version of catholic penance). like the other sadrak had told me the other day, aristide was a follower of satan, thus haiti had been ruled by satan during aristide's reign. he explained that haiti's problems were not political, economical, or historical...rather, they were spiritual in nature. there is an internal war between satan (voodoo, catholicism) and christianity and it is the root of haiti's struggle. the entire time wiki was talking cadrak was interrupting in disagreement. he said "how do you know that aristide was lucifer's secretary? did you see it with your own eyes? yes, voodoo exists and there are bad spirits in the sky at night, but aristide led the nation, not satan. haiti is not just corrupt, the whole world is corrupt. you can only really believe what you see with your own eyes bc everyone says something different." like most/all of the haitians that i have met, both are strict christians, yet acknowledge the existence and reality of voodooism. it's weird, just bc you don't practice it doesn't preclude its existence. everyone believes in its evil, only some partake in it. no one denies its power. what i've learned more than anything as i've mined through the interpretation of haiti's past is to be wary of everything you hear. i came into this trip knowing only of paul farmer's interpretation which i had taken blindly as the truth. i now have seen vastly different opinions and who's to say what's right and what's wrong? who am i to say that it's foolish to think that aristide is lucifer's secretary? everyone has their faults, we all tend to want to see things through rose-colored glasses or the complete opposite. it is not so different from the way many view the past versus current u.s. presidency. of course we will never know the full truth about anything, but being aware of the fact that there is much i am unaware of is enough for me.

...

have i mentioned how great wiki and cadrak are? they always let us do great things while at the same time being really protective. they don't get anything for taking us out and they don't have to, but they've never said no. we always have a really good time. we are leaving next sunday up to them, since it is my last day. it will be one of my saddest goodbyes.

there were 19 people squished onto a tiny tap tap on the way home. great way to meet total strangers! we hung around the venders a bit...i was gonna buy a machete for my dad, but i figured it might be impractical. they sell massive ones even to little kids. mal bought a walking cane that had carvings of bones and snakes and a skull...i'm pretty sure it is voodoo, but mal doesn't care...she doesn't believe in anything, good or bad. we joke about being the black sheeps on the mission bc she's a non-christian and i'm a catholic. it's funny how it's so hush hush. sarah leave tomorrow morning and mal and i are assigned to the school. we are editing a curriculum which will be the curriculum for all of haiti eventually, it's pretty cool. dr. cheryl informed us today that we will only be working til 12 tomorrow and then spending the afternoon cleaning our room. both mal and i are super sloppy...mal collects shells and rocks and things...she's a nature wild child. between the two of us, it's gotten pretty bad!

tuesday i go to the beach with a group and i'll be able to hang out with venna most of the day. i have wednesday off, clinic on thursday, construction on friday, hope house on saturday.

bonswaaaaaa.

beach day with the girls

this morning it was a little sad to say goodbye to the NC guys bc i've had a really great time getting to know them. maybe we will keep in touch, or maybe it will be just another ephemeral relationship. either way, i am grateful to have been able to get to know the 4 of them and it was awesome to see all the great things they were able to do in such a short amount of time.

me and my two roommates and one of the staff all had the day off today so we went to the beach called Wahoo Bay, about 40 minutes away. it was my first time having been out there and it was really beautiful. we all had the unexpected reaction of feeling a little uncomfortable driving through the haitian slums to get to a fancy resort. i hadn't anticipated the uneasiness that i felt when i was there, it just didn't seem right. it's strange that people can vacation here while children are starving right outside its gates. the view, however, was absolutely breathtaking. the torquoise water on the backdrop of rolling mountains made every angle look like a painting. haiti truly is a BEAUTIFUL country.

the sun was strong as always, but it was nice to finally relax. there was a man on the sand next to us who was cracking open a fresh-lobster and he gave the giant claw to me and mal to share...so so good. the water was crystal clear and there were tons of coral. the water is really salty so it is easy to float on. i ate poulet creole for lunch...chicken, rice and beans, picklies, and plantains. mal and diana bought haitian paintings that they bartered from $35 down to $15. i slept in the sun for most of the day...

both to and from the beach the radio stations were playing michael jackson songs. even though everything else was in french, every couple of songs we'd hear his voice. i guess his talent really did transcend the borders.

it is interesting as you drive through the villages to see that despite the extreme poverty, there really is a sense of community amoung the people. there is something liberating about constantly expecting the unexpected. as a whole, haitians are nice people. generous, appreciative, and self-giving. for example, if there is a family just barely struggling to get by who comes across an orphaned child, they won't think twice about taking him/her in...it is just what they are supposed to do. i have visited the poorest of shacks since i've been here and no sooner than i sit down on the dirt floor does a child appear out of nowhere offering a shabby wooden chair that had been stowed away somewhere out of sight. starving families are willing to share their food, old women are willing to give up their shoes, children are appreciative merely of receiving attention. of course haiti has its share of iniquity, yet the haiti that i have experienced has embraced me. they are a good, hardworking, proud people. the pride that they have in their country is inspiring. i can't tell you how many times i've been told that haiti was the first independent black nation, how the rebellion was the first/only successful slave revolt. rather than an attitude of disdain and dissatisfaction, there are words of hope and promise for a better nation. i think some people in the U.S. could learn a thing or two from haitian pride and appreciation. i know it sounds so trite at this point, but we really don't know how lucky we have it. since being here, i've learned how incredibly naive i am when it comes to what people are forced to live without. people bathing in streams of mud, sleeping under banana leaves and in wheelbarrows, living with massive infections and broken bones, living amidst human and animal feces. for a mother to have one surviving child out of 4 is not unusual, for a child to die of a minor infection is not unusual, for twin newborns to be abandoned by a desperate mother is not unusual.

so much that i've seen i wouldn't have appreciated had i not seen it with my own eyes. i still don't think it's sunk in that people actually LIVE like this. i've gotten only a tiny snapshot of an entirely different world, but it is exactly that....only a snapshot between a wedding in texas and a homecoming in connecticut. i wish so badly that i could hold on to the smells, tastes, scenes, relationships, emotions that i am experiencing now, but they will all inevitably dull with time and distance. i can only hope that my time in haiti has made such an impression on my heart and mind that it will be impossible to ignore in the future. to be just off the coast of florida, yet a world away from everything i have ever known has taught me just how much i don't know. it has made me aware that there is so much that i am unaware of. hopefully, at the very least, it has disabled any complacency that i might otherwise have fallen into had i not taken this trip. to have known their names and faces, listened to their stories, worked besides them makes it all pretty hard to ignore.

ok, off to bed, church in the morning, sarah's last day on the mission...bon nuit...

ps--update: ok so after i wrote this blog i went to take one of the staff's dog out which i'm watching while she takes care of the twins. as i'm bringing him back up the stairs low and behold in the middle of my path is another big hairy tarantula. i don't know what to do bc i need to get back inside but there's no way i'm stepping over that...they're also known for biting curious dogs in the face. i went to go wake roger or cody up, fortunately they were still awake and came up with a 2x4 but then we couldn't find it...then i saw that it had crawled up the wall....they smacked it with the board and we all ran screeching like little girls. i'm sure it was a hilarious sight to see. i made roger squish it until i saw the guts on the board and only then did i pass. and here i am safe and sound, another one bites the dust.

bring on the smiles...

it was one of those days when you do so much that you realize how much more you could possibly do. when we got to the clinic this morning we found the entire place crowded out the door with people wanting to see the dentist. news had travelled fast! people with swollen mouths, bleeding gums, rotting teeth, painful abcesses. i can't even begin to imagine how painful it must be to learn to live with some of the problems i saw.

one of my favorite cases involved gabby. i think i mentioned him before, by he is the 22 yr old boy with sickle cell anemia who has huge painful ulcers down both legs that won't heal...he comes to the clinic every single day to get his bandages changed and his wounds cleaned. his disease prevents the ulcers from ever healing, so he is at the point that he can no longer stand and is confined to a wheelchair. the changing of his bandages is traumatizing to say the least...he screams and writhes in pain throughout the entire agonizing process...often he has to sleep on a stretcher afterwards bc the whole process is so draining on him. gabby in his wheelchair is a common site to see in the clinic and, without exception, he always has a huge grin on his face. just one of those smiles that is sincere every single time. the dentist made it a point to take a break from pulling teeth and draining abscesses to inspect gabby's mouth...then he took special care to fix all of his teeth and as an added bonus he went ahead and whitened all of gabby's teeth. i thought that his smile could light up the room before his teeth were fixed, but now he had a smile that amplified an alreadyinspiring personality. it may not seem like much, but if you could see him in his wheelchair with that huge radiant grin, then you would understand right away.

as many as the people we helped, there were many more that we were just unable to get to. we worked for 9 straight hours and the dentist pulled tooth after tooth after tooth....everyone was so thankful, it was like they were gonna start kissing his feet! one man had 6 teeth pulled. the dentist was unbelievable...his name is dr. craig and he is young and energetic. not a single air about him. he had brought cases upon cases of medical supplies, and he worked with a dental hygienist named Mckenna who was straight out of hygeinist school. they were both so amazing. i noticed that dr. craig took about 4 minutes to eat his entire lunch before he headed back to the room. he sweat through multiple shirts throughout the day and even continued working when the power went out for about an hour and a half. he truly wanted to do as much as he could possibly do in the time that he was there. yet despite having done so much, you could tell that he was so heartbroken by the fact that we had to turn people away. he would have worked straight through the night if it wasn't so dangerous to drive at night or if we actually were able to keep the generator running long enough. the type of guy you wanna hang around.

i learned a lot about dentistry and was surprised about how artistic the whole process actually is. i also learned that haitians DO NOT like needles! one 14 year old girl almost broke my hand with her grip before the needle even penetrated her skin....the poor girl's entire body was shaking the entire time she was getting worked on! almost everyone was as stiff as a board when they sat down with pure fear in their eyes. i think the kids were better than the adults! it's funny how people can come in with bones poking through their skin and there is barely a wince, yet get near their mouth and they're scared to death! though i'd be freaked out too if machines were coming towards my face when i had scarcely had even been around electricity.

the two girls from Good Samaritan, rosena and carnesise, arrived with the medical team, and they both had a tooth pulled. poor carnesise was crying so hard and every time i came near the

chair she would reach her arms up to me like "save me!" i felt so bad for her, the procedure looked really rough. i had to rock her for like 25 minutes after she was done just to try and calm her down. there was a lot of blood everywhere so i think she was pretty freaked out. another boy got so freaked out by the blood that he puked everywhere.

i told one lady that i liked her shoes and she said "i will give them to you!" and started to take them off. so poor in the first place, yet she tried to give me her shoes to show her appreciation. just one of those things that makes me say wow.

dr. cheryl's phone died, so i had to tackle the hills in the blazing sun whenever we needed something or to contact someone...it wore me out! in fact, i am half falling asleep as i write this now...

by the end of the day there was a garbage full of teeth, blood everywhere, and a whole lot of patients who had conquered years of pain after 30 minutes in a dental chair. i am so grateful that i was able to be part of that experience.

today was such a whirlwind that i'm having a hard time remembering all that happened. when i took the girls to the bathroom they were both in awe of the toilet...i guess i hadn't thought about the fact that they probably hadn't seen one before....it was so funny, at first they were scared and grabbed onto me, and then they just stared at the water getting sucked down. it was so cute. i lost my favorite necklace, but i figure one of the kids snapped it while hanging on my neck...i'm sure someone will find it and be very happy. one man in the waiting room asked me if i was an indian. another man had an abcess on his foot that basically exploded all over the floor. i got bit by 1000 mosquitos today and i smell really bad. i learned a little more haitian history and was recommended to read "written in blood" for more. i also wanna see the movie "cite soleil" about one of the neighborhoods in port-au prince. i practiced my french with sadrak and jr.

two of the haitian guys told me "i lost a friend yesterday"....in reference to mj.

it was hard saying goodbye to dr. craig, nurse jennifer, and mckenna. i always think about all the people who have been in and out of my life, and it is difficult knowing that this will be them as well. the relationships that i have formed here are short, but like so many others in my life are far from superficial. it is a whole different environment here, a mini chapter randomly inserted into my life...i've gone from being a complete stranger to a part of a family...i am able to be myself entirely here...there's no drama, no pettiness, no superficiality...just people united by the same vision and working hard for the right reasons. there are so many ups and downs that we are forced to ride together... we've all learned to roll with the tide and keep things in perspective. the reality of the fact that i probably won't see most of these people again is scary and makes my stomach turn. i know i should appreciate the fact that i was able to build these relationships at all, but it doesn't make it any easier. it doesn't seem right that you can open yourself entirely to someone else, be entwined in someone else's life for a period of time, and then never see them again. NEVER is a long time. i will be gone and all this will be going on without me just as before i came.

.........

can you tell i'm already trying to prepare myself to leave? haha. gulp. tomorrow i have a much needed day off and me and some others are going to the beach for the day...it will be a nice break. maybe i will have a beer and read a book.

peace and bonswa.

twins, teeth, and MJ

this morning was an eventful morning bc someone found two 4-day-old twins on the side of the road that the mother had left to die. someone called the mission and we took the tiny boy and girl in. the babies are so tiny, just the length of my forearm, but they were surprisingly healthy...they got a check-up and formula in the clinic this morning. i don't know what steps are going to be taken from here on out, but at least they are in good hands for the time being. it makes you realize how often stuff like this happens and how many innocent babies are left to die this way.

the clinic was really busy today...apparently the news is spreading that there is a free dentist in town. it's heartbreaking to have to turn people away. i was with the nurse practitioner again...we saw a lot of kids today....same awful diseases as always....we saw one little girl who had impetigo so bad that both her ears were completely encrusted over and partially eaten away. another little girl had rickets so bad the both her legs were so bowed out that it made it difficult to walk.

another thing that i've seen time and again is injured toddlers and babies who are brought in by mothers that don't know how the injury occurred. it's extremely common in Haiti to see tiny babies on the hips of single digit girls walking through the streets. siblings take care of siblings at a very young age. the mothers are pregnant or working or no longer living. it makes treating the child difficult bc most likely they will be right back in that high risk situation. we can treat an injury, but we can't change what the culture neccessitates.

after lunch was really great bc we went through the market in Cabaret and then brought the medical/dental team to the Good Samaritan Orphanage. i'm really beginning to know my way around! the story behind this orphanage is pretty interesting....it was originally located farther away, but had been destroyed by the trio of major hurricanes which so devestatingly tore through Haiti this past fall. most of northern haiti was completely destroyed by the flooding and the destruction is obvious. apparently the flooding had risen up over the walls of the orphanage and the pressure caused the facility to completely collapse around 2am in the morning. miraculously, all 120 orphans somehow survived (babies included!). but now they were all orphans again. when MOH found out, they came together and bought an old disco nightclub which they transformed into an orphanage. it is basically one giant open area with a dome-like roof...the kids sleep, eat, and live there now...

i've been to this orphanage 3 or 4 times since i've been here and there has always been one girl especially whose gravitated towards me. Her name is Cearnsuze and she hardly ever smiles, but she is always holding my hand, sitting on my lap, wanting to be held. she barely ever talks, today she actually fell asleep in my lap despite the loudness and excitement that was surrounding us. it's so cute bc sometimes she tries to scratch off my freckles. i don't know what it is, but she is always my little buddy when i'm in the area...her face is one of the many that i won't forget.

another thing i've learned about haiti....nothing ever starts on time, nothing ever works the way it should or when you need it, plans fall through all the time, and you have to expect that at least one thing will go wrong that day. issue #1: digicel, the poor world cell phone company towers were completely out today somehow, which made communication nearly impossible. #2. we waited for about 45 minutes before our vehicle came, but somehow it was too small to fit us all so then we had to wait again for something bigger. they came back with a full old fashioned bus to carry the 10 of us...it was the only vehicle available and working. issue #3. the dentist needed a small generator for giving sealants to the orphans, but then the generator couldn't fit on the bus, so we had to have that driven separately...somehow we found another vehicle, still no cell service, just a lot of walking. #4. when we finally got to the orphanage we couldn't get the generator to work....two mechanics worked on it, but it was shot. at this point i'm getting used to this kind of thing...you really just have to learn how to roll with it :)

we ended up having to brush all the kids teeth with flouride and the dentist triaged the children according to how bad their mouths were. it was really cute setting up an assemly line of teeth brushing, the kids really liked it. cearnsuze is actually being picked up by the doctors on the way to the clinic tomorrow bc she needs to get a tooth removed that is growing under her tongue. i'm excited to see her tomorrow morning and maybe i will be there to comfort her. kids in haiti are so tough and they barely cry about anything. fall down, get back up....get hit, hit them back...anyways, we were there doing teeth until about 5 so it was a pretty full day.

i let one of the little boys just take my camera while we were there and he ran around taking a ton of pictures. he was pretty young so there are a bunch of pictures of the floor or a foot or the ceiling or people w/ their heads cut out of the photo...i was cracking up when i actually looked through the pictures. he must have also accidently zoomed bc there was a whole series of pictures in a row that were just face shots, sometimes just a nose and an eye. there was one of me and it showed sweat pouring out from every pore. but he got some good ones...kids being silly, the ladies on the side preparing supper (the kids eat a plate of rice and beans twice a day every day), some action shots of the dental team. at the very least, i got it all from a child's perspective!

i practiced french with sadrak again today.

we got a ride back on the back of laurence's truck and came back to an overflow of a group of 25 people that had just arrived on the mission. goodbye to the quiet time! i don't think i would recommend a 1 wk mission trip unless it was your only option. it is more of a spectacle....there is just too much to digest in such a short amount of time...you spend more time taking pictures than actually taking everything in...i'm beginning to think that even a month is not long enough! i don't want to forget even one moment of the time i've spent here, and i feel i've been better able to internalize it more and more as the days go on.

we had haitian food for dinner and i ate too much as always. who knows when i'll be able to eat authentic haitian again! after dinner was really funny bc me, roger, mal, madame anise, and some other workers were outside and JR (one of our interpretors) was singing/acting out michael jackson (rip) songs....considering the thick haitian accent and the completely botched lyrics, it definitely had us all in stitches!

tomorrow is another full day...then on saturday 4 of us have the day off so we are trying to get wiki or cadrak to bring us to the beach.

yesterday was anti-malarial-pill-wednesday and i had dream after dream about crocodiles.

bonswa! on se verra demain!

lightning.

today was much better! it was a great start when i woke up and found out we were having madame amise's (the head cook) specialty......buttered homemade bisquits covered in chocolate gravy. yes unhealthy, but amazingly good.

i was assigned to the nurse practitioner and she was awesome. she has a lot of experience with travel medicine, and it shows. she works and lives in the inner city and has been all around the world working where they need help the most. she lived 2 years in russia practicing medicine and is used to using interpretors. she could very well have an ego but she doesn't. rather than speak to the translator, she actually speaks directly to the patient fully knowing that they don't understand a word she's saying....but i definitely think it makes a difference. she was very particular about what she was prescribing and double checked by looking things up. she absolutely maintained a high standard of quality care, regardless of the fact that she was in a desperate 5th world country. she taught me a lot about travel medicine and the avenues which i could take to do the types of things i want to do. there were a bunch of the regular cases today...malaria, typhoid, std's...one really interesting case of shingles bc the girl was only 14 which is really young.....but it was classic unquestionable shingles. dr. jenifer said that it probably means she has HIV.

one funny thing that happened today....i went to the lab tech to ask a couple questions about pregnancy tests, but it was hard bc he mainly speaks kreyol. somehow he thought that i was asking for a pregnancy test for myself bc later he told one of the doctors to send me back for my pregnancy test...kind of embarassing, but funny more than anything else!

the dental team here is awesome...they have a full room of supplies and 2 portable dental chairs. it is not surprising that so many patients have learned to live with mouth pain. poor dooney had to get a tooth pulled today and she was scared to death and stiff as a board.

i spent 2 hours with sadrak practicing my french...he is a great teacher and very patient and helpful....super intelligent, it is a shame he won't be able to continue his medical education bc of money.

we ate the chickens today....so good.

i don't even want to think about leaving here. i'm really bad at goodbyes.

i have to cut this short bc we got hit w/ lightning and who knows when power will be back...bonswa.... :)

too much ego for this clinic

today was a little rough. another medical team arrived today...a dentist, a nurse practitioner, and a podiatrist. both the nurse and podiatrist saw all patients, whereas the dentist gave sealants to all the children. i was assigned to the podiatrist and it wasn't pretty. he is the epitome of what gives doctors and americans a bad name. he came to the clinic in cargo shorts, a baseball hat, and a junky t-shirt and walked in like he owned the place. i doubt he would ever dress like that in an American clinic. his whole demeanor was condescending, chauvinistic, and self-righteous. one of the things that i really appreciate about the MOH hospital is that despite the fact that the patients are desperate for medical care, the clinic maintains high standards when it comes to patient treatment, confidentiality, and proper medication regimens. this doctor preferred to leave the door wide open while he saw patients so that he could get airflow. meanwhile patients were divulging their personal stories. when dr. cheryl told me to ask him to have the patients sit on the bed so that they could close the door, he replied (and i quote), "i think i'm going to do whatever i want, since i'm the doctor practicing here." For a man with such a huge ego, he had no idea what he was doing when it came to general medicine. he acted like he did, but i've been here long enough to know that he hadn't much of an idea what he was talking about. i ended up having to ask the pertinent questions and by the end of the morning i was writing all the labs and prescriptions and he was just signing. a woman with a vaginal infection came in and he actually said, "i don't do that stuff, you can get this one." people would come in with abdominal pain and he would say "it's just bc haitians don't know how to eat" when really it is most likely a parasite or typhoid. he would ask for fancy tests and when i told him that they don't do them here he said, "why not? that seems stupid, it's not hard." he completely did not understand the lack of resources.... he was constantly saying, "why don't they do this? they should run it like this. this place would be better if..." he overlooked peoples symptoms and prescribed cop-out drugs...easy symptom maskers.

the worst part is the way he talked about the staff at MOH who to me are beyond amazing. when i told him that i would check w/ blondie about a certain medication he responded bitingly, "you mean to tell me that a pharmacist is going to tell me how to treat my patients?? ha." when i told him i had to check with dr. jenifer about something, he said, "who is this jenifer person?"...i told him that she was the head doctor here to which he replied, "oh yeah? is she actually a real doctor or something like a chiropractor?" he was unprofessional, overly judgmental, and rude. "how do things ever get done around here? can't they do something about this heat? are they even gonna feed us here? pb&j, really?? can i get an extra pen or can they not even afford that??" he made me absolutely sick to my stomach. i wanted to tell him off so badly, but i had to bite my tongue. the only good thing about it is that i had to make my own diagnoses and prescriptions. but that should not happen. he in no way respects the standard of care that would be accepted in the U.S. he made haphazard diagnoses and he acted like everyone should be thankful that he is there...haitians are poor, i'm donating my time to their desperate bodies, so how dare they not be satisfied with this crappy medicine that i practice? they are lucky to have me. after all, I AM A DOCTOR. the whole thing made me so mad, my face felt on fire the entire morning. at least i have an example of someone that i never want to be like. self-righteous, judgmental, short-sighted, ego-centric, condescending jerk.

selfishly i don't want to work with him tomorrow, but i know that i might have to bc i've had the most treatment and diagnoses hours.

i learned today that haiti is considered a 5th world country which is basically a 3rd world country that has no hope bc of lack of resources. it is depressing that such a category even exists.

one of the girls here has typhoid fever and we can't figure out how she got it, so we're all being extra cautious. what's crazy is that she had gotten the vaccine before she came here, but apparently it is only 50% effective.

i feel like i've vented a little today, so i'm going to end with some nice pictures :)